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Monday, January 31, 2011

Life is becoming better at Last


Today, I felt so fresh in my mind that I started to feel my recovery just like real miracle. The reason is that, just a month ago, I was suffering a lot and totally frustrated. Coming back to full time looked like a distant possibility for me. Now, in the last ten days, I had works so hard that today, I had to force myself to take a day off from any kind of work and I just rested.
It is such a great feeling because just a few weeks ago, coming back to full time work was looked an impossible to me. I have written continuously for the last one year about this matter. My health is not up to the mark yet but now I am very hopeful that very soon, it will become fresh. Suddenly, I am full of energy and happiness.
Right now, I am doing a very important project and it is taking a lot of time and attention. I am happy that I can handle this kind of project but I should have not done it this month. I should have waited for another month or two and that is why I have decided not to take any new project for the next few months or few weeks at least. Even one of my assistants has come back to work after nearly four months of absence. So, things are getting better for me and even my health is improving. I just miss my wife a lot and I hope that she will come back after a few months. If I had just my wife beside me right now, I really would not miss anything at all.
This remarkable recovery has taught me many valuable lesions. Positive attitude and hope both are very valuable. I have fought against many problems in the last two years. My health suffered and became very weak. I could not sleep night after night and month after month. I had to be without my wife most of the time in the last two years. My income suffered and at times, there was real tension about money. My career suffered in the worst way. Sometimes, even just living a day became painful. Yes, all these things have happened to me in the last two years but here I am, and I am. All these things are now lost in the past.
Of course, life has its ups and downs and against I will have some problems and sufferings. However, this time, I am hopeful that I will be more mentally prepared and happy and cheerful state of mind. Another important things that has helped me a lot is perhaps the belief in God. Well, I am not a religious person at all. Somehow, I have strong faith in God and I try to pray regularly or irregularly. Thanks God for the recovery.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Back to Almost life as Usual


The last 24 hours have been very busy for me as I had to some important works. Yes, I am not at my best yet but I am back to work. Naturally, I am very happy for this matter.
Today, when I opened my email box, I found that one of my readers had sent me an email in which he advised me not to continue this style of blogging of talking about personal problems, sadness and frustration. He feels that this won’t do any good to me in the long run. He stated that revealing pain in a public place like Internet will only make me weak instead of strong.
Yes, I agree with him almost 99%. No matter what I say here, in my heart, I know that he is right. I thank him deeply for the email. He felt sympathetic towards me and that is why, he wrote the email. I hate to admit it but he is right.
I gave a serious thought about it and decided to listen to him but then, I decided to read some of the entries of this blog that I had written in the last one year. Just one year ago, my condition was really miserable. I could not sleep whole night and I was under too much stress.
This was me and how I can deny this truth. At that time, I had hardly any hope that I would be normal just after one year. I dreamt for it but the dream looked to me like a fancy fairy tale instead of an achievable goal.
Here I am, after one year and the fairy tale has indeed come true. In the last one year, my life was not a bed of rose. Most of the time, condition was frustrating but I kept on writing here. Even, I repeated the same thing week after week. At times, I lost hope but then I said to myself that I must keep on going and I must not lose hope.
I am not that stupid to actually believe or claim that because I wrote these entries in this blog, my problems got solved and I am now back to normal life. However, this blog helped me in another way. I could remind myself in front of the world that I must keep on going, I must keep on trying and I will not give up on hoping for the best.
The second thing I did was that I started to read some blogs that had similar content. The blog of Kitty is perhaps the best example. Through her blog, I discovered some other blogs that had similar content like this blog of mine. These blogs do not contain some catchy and encouraging sentences or maxims. The bloggers just write about their failures, frustrations, struggles and even helplessness. Reading the entries of these blogs opened my eyes and I started to feel that my own suffering is not unique or rare. It is not even related to living in a third world country like Bangladesh.
I realized that thousands (if not millions) of people around the world, have similar (if not exactly the same) problems like I have. This idea influenced me deeply and then I realized that I must start to value the things I have more. After all, I have a very good couple life. I have a job that I like a lot- writing. Fortunately, my health started to recover at the same time.
This is perhaps the only reason that I am going to continue the way I write in this blog. I really hope that some people in any corner on earth would read the entries of this blog and would discover just like me that life can be very rough sometimes. Hopefully, my entries would give them some food for thought and would inspire them not to lose hope. 

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Stress is the worst Enemy: Positive Attitude Your Best Friend


This month, I am on course to earn the least amount of money in the last 5 years. The reason is plain and simple. For the last 1 and half year, I could not work regularly. For the last few weeks, I was under a lot of stress from many things and in my agenda; money worry was in number one position.
I tried to stay positive and happy although it was very difficult to run away from tension. After all, I know that my problems were real and they visit me on a regular basis. Still, I tried my best to have a positive attitude. Yes, sometimes, I lost my heart but because of trying to be positive, I could remain happy for most of the days.
Now, I can see the good impact of this effort. First of all, I have been able to come back to full time work. Today, I woke up at 9 AM. I went to a work at PM and came back home at 5 PM. It was an impossible thing for me even just 3 months ago. After coming home, I did a long meeting with one of my assistants about the future of our company as the condition looks bleak at the moment.
We discussed for two hours and in the end, I discovered a very simple thing. The main problem is not lack of opportunities but it was stress that was killing all of us. What stress does best is that it creates a feeling of insecurity. It all the time reminds us that we are in a miserable condition. We must try to get out of the miserable condition as soon as possible. When we go for speed then naturally, the possibility of making mistakes increase drastically.
As a result, we are making many more mistakes in our work than before. So, naturally, we are moving one step forward and then going two steps backward. More than anyone, I was making the largest number of mistakes. I was making the mistakes because I was too much in a hurry and it was stress that was urging me to become even faster.
By discussing with my assistant today, I realized that our condition was not bad at all. If we can work normally then we can again get back to our best condition within 3-4 months. The magic formula is very simple- just work normally every day. 

Friday, January 21, 2011

Hoping that it is not a False Start Again


Things have improved in every front suddenly in the last 4 days. Fortunately, weather has improved a bit and I did not become sick in the end. I have been able to go back to fulltime work and yesterday, I worked almost 12 hours. I had to go to 3 offices and then after coming home, I worked until almost midnight. Today, I am in a relaxed mood and tomorrow, I hope that I won’t have to work that much.
Since I am coming back to normal work, at first, it will be some confusing and difficult. After a few days, things will become normal. I am very happy that at last, my health is supporting me to go out and do some work. For the last two years, going out was a real nightmare for me.
Every month, 3-4 days will be tough but I must not drink coffee or Coke. Secondly, after passing the tough days, I must rest for at least 1 day. In the past, this was my main mistake. I tried to use my will power a lot and then, I was much younger. So, it was not a problem.
I just hope that it is not a false start again. This time, I really can work.

Monday, January 17, 2011

No better Sauce than Hunger Indeed

December 2010 was the worst month for me as far as earning money in last 5 years has been concerned. January has potential to become even worse than December. Well, I am not hungry or even worried for money because fortunately, I have some extra to help me pass through some more rough months. Still, I know that I have to get back to full time work as soon as possible.
Now emotionally, I have no problem to get back to work and I really have no problem to work 12-15 hours a day just like the past. It’s just that my health has not recovered enough to even work 4-5 hours a day. Yes, it is possible to work 10-12 hours by drinking 5-6 cups of coffee but that would only bring back the poison in my health and mind that made me so sick in the first place.
Hunger is indeed the best sauce but I am just happy that I am not hungry at the moment. Instead, I have become fat again and from 1 February, I intend to again try to decrease weight, start doing exercise and work full time.
It has been a very emotionally exhausted journey for me. Now, I am very happy. When I look back to my life, I feel that I lost in everything except in my marriage. God really sent me a miracle in the form of my wife and this victory has really compensated all my failures in life.
With each passing day, I just understand the value of a good couple life more. Tonight, I watched one of my most favorite movies: The Man from Elysian Fields.
I searched a lot for this movie in the last 3 months but could not find it. I wished from my heart to watch it with my wife. Now, I have to wait for some months to watch it with my wife. 

Sunday, January 16, 2011

A big day of Working Ahead

Sadly, I just have only 5 hours of sleep last night. My health is fine but what happened is that it is very cold here. I live in a poor country and 99% people do not have room heaters. So, the cold wave has made it very difficult for me to work. For example, at this moment, I feel tempted to go to bed under warm and thick blanket instead of sitting in front of the desktop PC.
 Last night, I planned with two of my assistants that today we would give a push for our blogs. However, just now, I found that one of my assistants could not sleep that much last night because of cold weather. So, most probably, today, we cannot get much work done.
I feel sad now because last one year I could not work due to illness. Now, when my health is much better, I am facing one after another difficulty. Well, this is natural part of life. We have to move ahead in life against all the odds. I know it very well because my whole life has been just one long struggle against all the odds. Life is indeed not a bed of roses.
By the way, last night, I watched the match of West Ham vs Arsenal in television. 

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Going back to the Basics for Restarting full Time Work

From today, I am going to give all out efforts to start working full time again. I have been trying for the last two and half months but have not got any success. I am perhaps too much consumed with the idea of improving my quality. This sense of perfection is not bad but it is killing myself at this point of time in my life.
I am going to forget about quality and I am going to start working full time from this moment. I will just think of working and keep on going. I know that if I just try like the past then sooner or later, things will be better and I will be able to produce quality content for my blogs. In the past, I could do it and again I know that I will be able to do it.
So, I am going to just work full time and try for working. I wont care whether my content is good or bad. If needed, I will repeat the same thing over and again. I just need to get back to my work.
This has become a really bad entry but I am not sad for it. Instead I am happy that I could write it and motivate myself to start working again. 

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Hoping for a better 2011 after a Bumpy Start

It is the first day of anther long spell of missing my wife. Of course, I am some sad and lonely but I know that it is needed because of our reality. The main thing is that we love each other very deeply and I have seen many couples who are much luckier than us when it comes to being together but they have no happiness. So, in the end, I am not unhappy but surely I miss her a lot.
Today, I have been trying to get back to full time work. I know that it will take some time and most probably it will take a week or two because in the last two weeks, I could hardly do any work. My health is improving that is why I am hopeful that I can get back to full time work this time. I am just trying to focus on resting a lot and making myself fresh. Actually, compared to that the same time of last year (January 2010) my health has improved significantly. I clearly remember that last year this time, I had hardly any strength and my main problem was that I could not sleep at all whole night. Most probably, I was suffering from a bad level of insomnia and I used to sleep whole day. I am deeply grateful to God that my sleeping habit has become normal and now a days, it becomes very difficult for me to stay whole night awake no matter what happens. In the last seven days, I drank a lot of coffee but from today, I have totally stopped it. So, I feel some tired but I know that from next week, I will again feel totally fresh.
Fortunately for me, this time, it is not that cold and this is another reason I feel better. I can tolerate summer hit much easier than winter cold. The funny thing is that most people are just opposite as they find winter more comfortable than summer.
In last summer, fortunately, I could buy an air conditioner and that is why I am not that much worried about the summer hit of this year. My main worry is electricity problem but I have got a laptop which should help me.
2011 is the year for me to work hard and earn some decent amount of money. In a last two years, I could not work that hard and my income suffered a lot. Hopefully, in the next two years, things will become much better and I am happy that recession has finished in the United States

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Positive Energy can make some difference in Life

Today is a sad day for me as I had to go to the airport to see my wife off. She has gone to her own country to her own parents and I spent the last 4 days with her in a clinic. Fortunately, her health recovered enough and we now know that her health will improve from now on. Yes, I am sad but not depressed.
I have realized the importance of positive energy. I tried to convince myself that this temporary loneliness should be used in a constructive way so that when I am with my wife again, it can help us to have better life. In the last 3 months, I tried to be with her as much as possible but the reality is that at the end of the day, I have to take care of a small business. So, I could not spend enough time with her despite the fact that I saw her after 15 months of absence. Still, I am very happy that I tried my best to make her happy.
So, I want to start working fulltime seriously again from today. My health has recovered enough. Although I suffered a lot of stress both physically and mentally, my health did not break down this time. Instead, I feel that I have the stamina to start working fulltime right away.
Today, I felt that writing in this blog has helped me a lot emotionally. Yes, I feel very lonely but I think that I will be able to deal with the sadness. I am trying to wait for my wife in a happy heart. We have very good relationship now and this happiness is helping me a lot. 

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Aniruddha Sen: A New Personal Blog

First of all, Aniruddha Sen is a follower of this blog of mine and I am happy that he has started a blog of his own recently. Before anything, I should give you the address: http://aniruddhasen.wordpress.com/
There are just 3 entries right now and that is why, it is perhaps too early to write a review about the blog. However, if you can spend a few minutes in reading these 3 entries, you might notice two things. First of all, Aniruddha Sen has a nice writing style. He is most of the time talking to himself but on second thought, you may feel that he is actually talking to you (the reader). I like this style.
The second thing that you might feel like me after visiting the blog is that Aniruddha Sen is interested about different topics and I hope that he does not try to limit his blog on any particular topic but write about the things he knows and likes. After all, personal blogs should be like this. 

Real Love and Real Happiness is Perhaps More Abstract

The last few days have been very tough both emotionally physically. On 31 December 2010 night, my wife suddenly became sick and I was awake with her whole night. In the last 5-6 nights, I did not have enough sleep. So, naturally, I am physically exhausted. Emotionally, it is even more painful because she has to go to her parents’ home another country just within a day or two. She just came back 3 months ago after a long absence of 15 months.
It was heart breaking for me to see her cry tonight as she was extremely depressed that she was forced to leave me again for another long spell. I took her clinic, two doctors and two diagnostic centers in the last two months and each time the result was good. I mean that the doctors could not find any problem with her. Most probably, she is from another country (we met each other in Internet) and her health is some weak to tolerate the environment of my country.
I really cannot think of any other moment of my life that is sadder than this evening. It gave me a lot of pain and my heart is very heavy at this moment. I just gave this consolation that at least; I have such a good wife who is crying from missing me. In real life, most of the couples I have seen around me are nowhere near us. Many couples just quarrel from nonsense and very silly things. It is not that we did not have problems in our marriage. However, most of the time, we could solve them because we never stopped loving each other deeply. We could never imagine finishing the marriage even. God is really kind with both of us in this regard.
I fell in love with my wife 8 and half years ago and for the first 3 and half years, we used to chat with each other in Internet. Then I could come to her country and for 5 years, we are together in real life.  
Earlier tonight, I tried my best to control myself that I do not cry. Still, I am deeply crying inside my heart but as I said, I am happy too that God gave me this kind couple life in which, we could really touch and feel abstract love. At last, we have both realized that our love is not dependent on looks, charm, physical pleasure, diamond necklace or ring, beautiful dresses or any other thing. Our love is dependent on love alone.
With all the pain, I at last touched that we two have become like Jim and Della of The Gift of the Magi. Tonight, I again touched the word of Buddha that happiness does not come from comfort and luxury but happiness comes from fighting and conquering over sorrow. Yes, we have a lot of pain and sorrow in our couple life but we are trying our best to leave them aside and just love and support each other.
I am hopeful that her health will become better in the next one or two years. Even if it takes another 10 years, it is no problem at all. I am hopeful only because my health has improved significantly recently after a long spell of suffering. We both had to try too much for this marriage as we hardly got any support from anyone.